The Most Important Decision You'll Make As A Couple (After That One)


One Christmas, my dad laid a gigantic present on my lap. My hopes for a Pound Puppies’ Super Pound Playground didn’t have time to get too high, though, as my brother finished opening his identical one first. It was . . . a rifle.

It took about ten seconds for my dad to basically claim it as his own, which I think/hope was his plan from the beginning. I thought that was the last gun I’d ever own.

When I got married, my husband started talking about us getting a gun when we have children to protect. To that, I always say, “Not without a safe.”

Life with a Weapons Connoisseur

My husband is probably the most peaceful, gentle person I know, which makes his obsession with weapons an amusing paradox to me. He spends hundreds on throwing stars, swords, hunting knives, and all manner of Nerf weaponry. At his insistence, we sleep with a machete next to our bed in case of intruders (so, if you were thinking about it, consider that a warning).

He would never start a fight, but lives in nervous preparation for the day when we might need bodily protection, so the logical next step for us is purchasing a gun and a safe. Under no circumstances will I allow one without the other. (Well, maybe the safe without the gun, if a precious artifact falls into our possession, but never vice versa.)

We’ve window-shopped a bit for safes, and I guess it’s not as straightforward as it sounds. If you’d asked me what kind I wanted before looking at any, I might’ve said, “A big iron one that locks.”

Different Considerations for Safe Purchases:

  • Key lock: The tried-and-true method of opening doors might be cheaper and doesn’t require you to remember anything, but traditional locks can be picked, or the key can be lost or stolen. Some might buy safes more to keep weapons in mint condition than out of safety concerns, but if I’m going to have children in the same house as a gun, I’m not sure how I feel about a key lock. People who want guns for display purposes, though, might prefer the glass windows that are more practical for key-lock safes.
  • Combination or keypad: A lock that requires you to memorize a combination or access code might sound like an unnecessary extra expense or a little inconvenient, but I never had a problem with my locker in high school, so I’d be fine with this. I’d rather know that no one can open the safe without my husband’s or my permission. I’d still recommend writing the number down somewhere, but don’t write and underline “Gun safe number – eyes off!” above it. Just make it look like a phone number you jotted down, but put it where people are unlikely to see it and throw it away.
  • Size: My husband and I refuse to even buy the gun before we have the safe, which means we’ll have to buy a gun that matches the safe instead of the other way around. Obviously, a pistol doesn’t require as big or expensive a safe. My dad would’ve needed a much bigger one to house those suckers he gave us for Christmas. I’m all for saving money, though, since my husband never plans to go hunting or do anything heavy-duty with ours.

If I have my way, our gun will never even be fired after the gun safety class. I’d rather they didn’t even exist, but the fact is they do, and no matter how anti-violence you are, there are people out there who are not. If you’re like us, though, and only want one for peace of mind, then yes, you do need a safe for it. You really think the intruder won’t think to look under your bed?

By Stephanie Simonson


Stephanie Simonson has been writing about gun safe shopping for a whole day now, and therefore claims expertise in the matter. She hopes to someday also have the chance to share her expertise in shopping for Pound Puppies paraphernalia with the world. When she is not working to fund her husband’s ever-growing blade and Nerf collection, she also enjoys writing critical articles about the current state of Facebook etiquette.

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