Digital cameras are integrated everywhere and in everything. They are the socially unavoidable gadget which are brandished in the most unexpected times, immortalising us in insanely hideous photographs which in turn make ugly people feel happier. It’s the cycle of vanity that none of us can escape. So instead of being the person that is shot and emotionally wounded, we need to be the beauty conscious, camera slinging cowboy who draws faster than his an opponent.
As digital camera technology continues to develop, we the consumer, the person who threatens to be humiliated through viral memes and inducted into endless freakish Facebook galleries needs to speak out and tell manufacturers what we really want to see. By this, I mean, wouldn’t it be great if we could not only use digital cameras to capture flawless, high definition moments, but also to create, fabricate and manipulate moments only partly based on the truth? Here are some digital camera shooting modes which will enable us to take photography to a truly unseen level:
Christmas Fat Mode
Eaten a few too many mini sausages rolls? Got Turkey and Stuffing ready to burst its way through your belly button? At Christmas time we all get a little greedy and excessive. But it’s cool because even the Christmas mascot is a fat lad kicking about in a less than flattering red suede suit. With time off of work and food and alcohol flowing like the last supper, we all expect to put on a few pounds. So why bother even letting it blemish our historically defined physique? Christmas fat mode would allow us to take photographs which automatically digitally nip and tuck our bodies to our custom specifications. You can now wash down that yard long Toblerone with a pint of eggnog unashamedly.
Twat With A Hat Mode
For anyone who has ever been at a gig, festival or embarrassed themselves by auditioning for the X Factor, you will know that there are two types of people who infuriate us more than any other. X Factor contestants and people who wear large hats. In fact, any kind of hat wearing within a vicinity of densely populated people is inexcusable and should be punished.
All you want to do is get a great shot of your favourite musician or celebrity on stage so you can boast to your friends through Twitpic, and then some bowler sporting indie scumbag gets in the way of your shot with his unnecessary trampy headpiece. Twat With A Hat mode would automatically remove this person from your image or alternatively you could tag this person and automatically upload them to an online’ name and shame’ website. Admittedly I haven’t exactly considered how this technology would developed, it may be just as easy to a lens which turns into a laser and burns them to the ground.
High as a Kite Mode
Drugs are bad, so instead of joining the 27 forever elite, why capture a mind-bending night out without being remotely intoxicated? High as a kite mode would allow you to produce photographs as seen through the eyes of someone who had been experimenting with a multitude of narcotics. Imagine taking a shot through the eyes of someone who had dropped a little acid, only to see goblins and man eating plants in the picture when you upload it to your computer. The whirlwind of blur lines for someone who had been hitting some speed, or a gallery of smiling revellers who had been liaising with Mary Jane. This would be the safest thing to shoot on a night out and might even have a positive effect by putting people off taking the real thing.
Green Screen Mode
Fancy going out with the guys after work for a few drinks but know your missus is going to be on your back? Need to pretend you’re busy somewhere you’re not in order to convince that inconvenient friend you’re not actually trying to avoid them for the rest of your life when you are? Green screen mode could help. If digital cameras had a green screen mode, we could pretend to be anywhere in the world by dropping in either a saved, or downloaded backdrop from your camera and then positioning ourselves as the subject in any given situation. Show your friend that you’re on a bus packed full of people and won’t be able to make your arranged get together and email your girlfriend a picture proving you are working overtime at the office. The less they know, the better.
This could arguably be used as a savvy counter-mode to those fellas (or females!) who are misusing the green screen mode. Honeytrap mode would be used to identify those cheating on their partners through the use of advanced digital cameras facial recognition technology. This technology would allow for friends, detectives or club photographers to quickly identify whether the accused is spending time with someone other than a family or friend member. Geo and face tagging could also be used in conjunction with Facebook to show just exactly where they were and who they were with.
Ever been in a club and you can’t quite make out whether it’s a boy or girl whispering sweet nothings in your ear? Me neither. But just in case it ever happens, transsexual mode will help you identify whether it is really a man or a women that you have been unsettlingly lured in by. Before you get into anything that leaves you feeling awkwardly ashamed, cunningly disguise the fact you would like a picture with the uncertain subject as a memoir for your night out. Discreetly switch to transsexual mode and your camera will use facial constructive technology to determine whether the person is indeed a man or a woman and deliver this message straight to digital camera screen. You’ll then know whether to dash, or just to carefully consider the life choice you’re about to set for yourself. (could say this is a good mode for Thai trips?)
Auto-Erase Pretty Girl Mode
Let’s face it, on a night out, with photos firing off all night and our ‘merry’ selves hugging, dancing and generally having fun, a picture can tell 1000 stories. Your girlfriend back home, watching the action as it unfolds on Facebook will only focus on the story she sees (that you’re a cheating bastard). Auto-Erase Pretty Girl Mode automatically erases any pretty girl that throws herself on you or that you put a friendly arm around for a photo, thus erasing any need to defend your actions or go through a list of photo’s answering “who that?” to every single one.
Scott is a writer who can only imagine the Christmas joy that ‘Christmas Fat’ shooting mode would bring.